Helicopter Parents: Understanding the Impact and Finding a Better Approach

It is only natural that parents want to give their children every advantage possible. However, when this protective instinct goes into overdrive, it can lead to what is known as helicopter parenting, a way of raising children that might do them more harm than good in the long run.

This comprehensive guide explores what helicopter parenting is, why it happens, its effects on children, and – most importantly – how to find a healthier balance that promotes independence while still providing support.

What Is a Helicopter Parent?

The term helicopter parent has become increasingly more common in discussions about modern parenting styles.

But what exactly does it mean, and how can you recognize if you’re hovering too closely over your child’s life?

Helicopter Parenting Definition

Helicopter parenting refers to a style of child-rearing characterized by excessive involvement and overprotection. Just as a helicopter hovers overhead, so do these parents, typically involving themselves in all aspects of their children’s lives, sometimes to the detriment of the kids.

The term was first coined in Dr. Haim Ginott’s 1969 book Between Parent & Teenager, when a teen described his mother as hovering over him like a helicopter.

This type of parenting is defined by 3 key behaviors:

1. Constant information-seeking about the child’s daily schedule and activities
2. Direct intervention, jumping into conflicts regardless of whether it’s appropriate or not
3. Limiting the child’s autonomy by preventing them from making their own mistakes and learning from them and – ultimately controlling their lives

Helicopter parents typically pay extremely close attention to their children’s experiences and challenges, ready to swoop in at the first sign of struggle or failure. Unlike other parenting styles that focus on fostering independence, helicopter parents often micromanage their children’s schedules, activities, and social interactions.

Characteristics of Helicopter Parents

Helicopter parents exhibit a number of common characteristics that distinguish them from other parents.

The most typical behaviors of these parents include:

• Showing excessive worry and fear: They constantly worry about their child’s safety, success, and happiness, often imagining worst-case scenarios.
• Practicing overinvolvement in children’s daily activities: They insert themselves into every aspect of their child’s life, from homework to social relationships and everything in-between.
• Experiencing difficulty allowing independence: Helicopter parents struggle to let their child make age-appropriate decisions or handle problems on their own, feeling the constant urge to intervene.
• Handling responsibilities the child could manage: A helicopter parent might complete tasks their child is capable of doing independently, such as homework, chores, or communicating with teachers.
• Focusing excessively on achievement: They place extremely high importance on academic, athletic, or social success, sometimes at the expense of the child’s own interests and preferences.
• Making decisions for the child: They choose activities, friends, and even career paths without adequate input from the child.
• Removing obstacles: Helicopter parents work to eliminate every single difficulty and challenge from their child’s path.
• Difficulty setting appropriate boundaries: Finally, they may have trouble distinguishing where their responsibilities end and their child’s begin.

Generally speaking, these behavioral patterns often emerge from well-intentioned parental love but can cross into unhealthy territory when parents become overly controlling and fail to allow appropriate independence.

Helicopter Parents vs Lawnmower Parents

Lawnmower parents depict another style of parenting that is characterized by overinvolvement in the life of the child. The term comes from the tendency of such parents to attempt to remove every obstacle out of the way of their child, just like a lawnmower eliminates all the grass along its way.

While both helicopter and lawnmower parents are too closely engaged in their children’s life, there are key differences in their approaches.

In specific, helicopter parents tend to hover over their children and watch closely, while lawnmower parents (also called snowplow or bulldozer parents) actively remove obstacles from their child’s path.

The main differences  between the 2 categories include:

Helicopter Parents

• Hover and monitor closely
• Step in when problems arise
• Focus on protecting the child from harm
• Are highly vigilant and often anxious about potential problems

Lawnmower Parents

• Preemptively clear away obstacles
• Focus on anticipating a problem that their child might experience rather than jumping in when there is an actual problem
• Actively prevent the child from experiencing failure or disappointment
• May go to extreme lengths to ensure their child’s path is obstacle-free

Helicopter parents hover over their children, while lawnmower parents take things a step further by mowing away any obstacle before it even gets in the path of their child.

5 Examples of Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parenting can manifest in various situations across different age groups.

Here are 5 common examples to help you identify whether you might be hovering over your kid more than the healthy dose of care and support:

1. Micromanaging Homework and School Projects

A helicopter parent might take control of a child’s school projects, doing most of the work themselves rather than guiding the child through the process. They may sit beside their child during homework time, directing every step and correcting mistakes before the teacher has a chance to provide feedback. This prevents the child from developing their own problem-solving skills and learning from their mistakes.

2. Getting Excessively Involved in Social Relationships

Some helicopter parents intervene in their child’s social connections, dictating who they can befriend, arranging playdates into the teen years, and mediating conflicts that children should learn to navigate themselves. They might contact other parents to resolve minor disputes or pressure teachers to place their child with specific classmates.

3. Taking Over Basic Life Tasks and Responsibilities

Helicopter parents often continue to perform basic tasks that children should gradually take on themselves. This might include laying out clothes for a teenager, packing lunch for a high schooler, or managing schedules and alarm clocks for children old enough to handle these responsibilities. This deprives children of the chance to develop crucial life skills.

4. Communicating with Schools and Teachers

While parent-teacher communication is important, helicopter parents take it to an extreme by constantly emailing teachers, challenging grades, requesting special treatment, or demanding explanations for every classroom decision. Some may even complete assignments for their children or argue for grade changes when their child performs poorly.

5. Overprotecting from Natural Consequences

When children face natural consequences for their actions, helicopter parents often rush to shield them from these outcomes. If a child forgets their sports equipment, a helicopter parent might rush to bring it rather than letting them experience the consequences of being unprepared. This prevents children from learning responsibility and accountability.

The list goes on and on…

What Causes Helicopter Parenting?

Comprehending and accepting the underlying causes of helicopter parenting can help parents recognize these tendencies in their behavior vis-a-vis their children and address them in an appropriate manner before it’s too late.

Based on extensive research on the topic, several key factors have been identified to be the main contributors to this parenting style:

• Anxiety and fear: Many helicopter parents are driven by anxiety about their child’s safety, success, and future. As they worry about everything possible in the world in general, this pushes them to take control over their child’s lives in an attempt to protect them from the many dangers surrounding them.
• Cultural and societal pressures: Intensive parenting tends to be more prevalent in societies with high economic inequality and uncertainty. Research suggests that helicopter parenting has historically increased following periods of economic downturn like the Great Recession of 2007-2009 as parents try to add some certainty in their children’s life at times of general uncertainty.
• Desire to ensure success: Parents may feel that active intervention is necessary to help their children succeed in a highly competitive world. This is especially prevalent in academic settings where parents see education as a crucial pathway to future security.
• Compensation for personal experiences: Adults who felt neglected and insufficiently unloved as kids might try to overcompensate with their own children, attempting to provide the support they felt was missing in their own childhood. The result is helicopter parenting.
• Technology enabling constant monitoring: The rise of digital tools that give parents access to their children at all times of the day and the night has made continuous monitoring easier than ever before. This sets the stage for parents who already have the natural tendency of overindulging in their children’s life.
• Family size factors: Studies have shown that parents of only children may be more likely to exhibit helicopter parenting behaviors as the single child becomes the sole center of attention of the entire family, especially the parents.
• Fear of judgment: Some parents worry about how others – sometimes even complete strangers – perceive their parenting. According to a University of Michigan poll, more than 10% of parents believe  that others will consider them to be bad parents if their child is seen without an adult.

These factors often work in combination, creating patterns of overprotective parenting that can be difficult to recognize in oneself.

Helicopter Parenting Pros and Cons

Like any parenting style, helicopter parenting has both potential benefits and drawbacks. Understanding these can help parents find a more balanced approach.

Let’s take a look at both the positives and negatives of this approach.

Pros of Helicopter Parenting

While the negative aspects of helicopter parenting receive most of the attention, there are some potential benefits that are important to recognize and pay attention to (not that I promote hovering over your children):

• Safety and protection: Vigilant parents can help protect children from genuine dangers, particularly when it comes to younger children (babies and toddlers) or those with special needs.
• Academic support: In an article titled The Economic Roots of Helicopter Parenting, Fabrizio Zilibotti and Matthias Doepke explain how intensive parenting (or when parents spend a large amount of time with their children) tends to be associated with better performance at school.
• Strong parent-child bond: The high level of involvement can create close relationships between parents and children when it’s expressed with warmth and care, in other words when helicopter parenting is combined with gentle parenting.
• Advocacy when needed: In situations where a child truly needs support, such as dealing with health issues or learning disabilities, active parental advocacy, which is one of the main characteristics of helicopter parents, can be beneficial.
• Structured environment: The structure provided by engaged parents can help some children thrive, particularly those who benefit from clear expectations and routines.
  

Cons of Helicopter Parenting

As highlighted above, this method of raising a child can lead to some – important – positive outcomes. Nevertheless, typically, the downsides of this parenting style significantly outnumber the benefits, both quantitatively and qualitatively.

The drawbacks of helicopter parenting are significant and well-documented and include:

• Reduced independence: When parents are overly controlling and overprotective, children don’t develop the skills they need to function independently, which leads to difficulties when they need to make decisions on their own.
• Mental health impacts: Some research connects helicopter parenting with increased levels of anxiety and depression in children. These effects of helicopter parenting can follow children into adolescence and adulthood, turning into significant mental health issues.
• Decreased self-confidence: Children of helicopter parents often develop lower self-efficacy, which is the belief in their ability to accomplish tasks and reach goals. This is because they haven’t had opportunities to build confidence through overcoming challenges on their own and documenting the consequences of their own efforts.
• Underdeveloped coping skills: According to developmental psychologists, children of helicopter parents may face difficulties in learning how to manage their emotions and the subsequent behavior. Nicole B. Perry, PhD, of the University of Minnesota, finds that such children are less equipped with the tools required to deal with the challenges associated with growing up.
• Increased risk-aversion: Children who aren’t allowed to take age-appropriate risks may become overly cautious and anxious when facing new situations. The developed dislike for risk might limit their options in life and lead to poorer outcomes in many areas.
• Academic issues: Despite the intention that helicopter parents put on boosting achievements at school, research indicates that their children might in reality experience reduced academic adjustment, undermining the success they parents are actually trying to ensure.
• Strained parent-child relationships: As children grow, excessive control can lead to rebellion, resentment, and damaged trust between parents and children. The relationship between helicopter parents and their adult children are likely to be rather distant.

Are Helicopter Parents Toxic?

Having said all this, it becomes only natural to start wondering whether helicopter parents might actually be toxic: First and foremost to their children, but also to their families and general, and last but not least to themselves.

While the term toxic may be too harsh for most well-intentioned parents, this parenting style can certainly have sizable harmful effects on children’s development.

The key distinction lies in the motivation that drives these parents and the practical execution of their overall positive intentions:

• Helicopter parents typically act out of true love and real concern, genuinely believing that what they’re doing is the best for their child, even when their approaches might be misguided.
• The negative impacts stem not from malicious intent (which is rarely if at all present) but from preventing children from developing crucial life skills, independence, and resilience.

Nonetheless, extreme forms of helicopter parenting that completely undermine a child’s autonomy, self-efficacy, and emotional development can indeed create toxic dynamics.

The most problematic scenarios occur when:

• Parents are fully unable to separate their own identity and worth from their child’s achievements. This usually happens to parents who feel unsuccessful in life and try to project their own ambitions onto their children.
• Children are made to feel incompetent and dependent.
• Parents use guilt, shame, or emotional manipulation to maintain control.
• Children’s own desires and needs are consistently disregarded.

The healthiest approach to raising a strong, yet empathetic child acknowledges both the good intentions behind helicopter parenting and the potential harms it can cause, working toward a more balanced style that provides support while fostering independence.

Helicopter Parenting Effects

The impact of helicopter parenting extends well beyond childhood, affecting development into adolescence and adulthood.

Research has identified several significant short-term and long-term effects:

• Impaired emotional regulation: Studies show over and over again that when parents attempt to control their child’s life too much, the child doesn’t develop the necessary tools to take charge of their emotions, understand them, and channel them correctly. This can make it difficult for them to adapt to various situations, including school environments.
• Social challenges: Children with poor self-regulation due to helicopter parenting face an increased risk of acting up in a classroom setting, encountering challenges at school, and being unable to make friends.
• Mental health concerns: Multiple studies have established connections between helicopter parenting and increased anxiety and depression in children as well as in adolescents and adults. This is partially explained with the limited ability to process and manage emotions which these children display.
• Reduced academic performance: Research also points out that helicopter parenting might be related to more prevalent emotional problems as well as difficulties with decision-making processes and poorer academic performance.
• Decreased self-efficacy: A 2010 study by psychology professor Neil Montgomery that surveyed college freshmen found that students with helicopter parents tend to be less open to new ideas and actions in addition to being more self-conscious, vulnerable, and anxious.
• Entitlement issues: Children who always have their way smoothed by parents can develop a sense of entitlement and thus struggle when things don’t go their way.
• Career difficulties: Helicopter parenting also negatively affects career development, potentially impacting career adaptability as young adults enter the workforce.
• Delayed independence: Young adults raised by helicopter parents often struggle with basic adult responsibilities and may remain dependent on their parents well into adulthood.

These effects create a paradoxical outcome: The very parents who are most concerned about their children’s success may be undermining the development of the skills necessary for that success. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

How to Avoid Being a Helicopter Parent and What to Do Instead

Recognizing helicopter tendencies is the first step toward developing a more balanced approach to parenting.

Here are some proven, practical strategies to foster your child’s independence while still providing the appropriate level of support:

Allow Age-Appropriate Independence

• Start small: Begin by identifying tasks that your child can reasonably handle at their age, even if they might struggle initially.
• Create opportunities for decision-making: Encourage children to make age-appropriate decisions, starting with simple choices like choosing their own clothes and outfits, and gradually increasing responsibility.
• Step back gradually: As children show competence in one area, slowly expand their independence to new challenges.

Embrace Natural Consequences

• Resist the rescue impulse: When your child forgets something important, like homework, consider leaving it behind. You should learn to not intervene on every single occasion when you can fix something for your child.
• Use logical consequences: When rules get broken, implement consequences that relate naturally to the behavior that caused them rather than stepping in to shield your child.
• Process together afterwards: Help your child reflect on what happened, what they learned, and what they can do better next time, without solving the problem for them.

Teach Problem-Solving Skills

• Ask guiding questions: Instead of providing ready answers, ask questions that help your child think through solutions themselves.
• Demonstrate the process: Walk through problem-solving out loud so children learn how to approach challenges and find their own solutions.
• Validate struggles: Acknowledge that facing difficulties is normal, albeit frustrating, and part of learning, rather than something to be avoided.

Manage Your Own Anxiety

• Identify your triggers: Recognize which situations make you most likely to hover and work on managing your responses.
• Name your feelings: When you feel uncomfortable letting your child struggle, figure out the feeling by saying it out loud or writing it down, which can help you process without intervening.
• Find support: Connect with other parents working on similar issues or consider professional help if anxiety about your child is overwhelming you and taking control over their relationship with them.

Focus on Building Skills, Not Removing Obstacles

• Teach rather than do: Instead of completing tasks for your child, invest time in teaching them how to do it themselves, even if it takes longer. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
• Celebrate effort and growth: Shift focus from perfect outcomes to the learning process and incremental progress.
• Allow appropriate risks: Avoid preventing your child from facing normal, age-appropriate levels of risk and instead allow controlled exposure to challenge to build your child’s character.

Set Clear Boundaries

• Define responsibilities clearly: Establish which tasks belong to the child and which to the parent, gradually shifting more responsibility to the child as they grow.
• Communicate expectations: Make sure that your child understands what is expected of them without constant reminders.
• Provide a single reminder: Give children one – or a few – reminders when absolutely needed, but avoid nagging repeatedly as your voice becomes a background to which the child gets accustomed.

Embrace a Lighthouse Approach

• Offer guidance without control: Instead of hovering like a helicopter, consider being a lighthouse parent who provides guidance while allowing exploration. Be a steady presence that gives direction from a distance rather than hovering directly overhead. A lighthouse illuminates potential dangers but allows ships to chart their own course.
• Give support conditionally: Let children know you’re available if needed while encouraging them to navigate challenges independently. For example, say: “Do you think you’re ready? I’d love to see you try. We know I will be glad to help you, and if you need to, you can come to tell me how you’re doing.”
• Create a secure base: Establish a foundation of trust and security that children can return to when needed, while giving them the confidence to explore and take appropriate risks on their own.

This balanced approach provides security while encouraging independence, letting children know support is available without hovering overhead.

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5 Most Recommended Books on Helicopter Parenting

For parents looking to deepen their understanding of helicopter parenting and develop healthier approaches, these five parenting books offer valuable insights:

1. Free-Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy

This influential book by Lenore Skenazy helped create a movement against overprotective parenting. After she allowed her 9-year-old son to ride the New York subway alone, Skenazy faced criticism but went on to write this book to articulate the growing undercurrent of concern many parents and grandparents had about the increasingly cautious approach to modern childrearing. Her work provided a platform and vocabulary for those who felt children were being overly protected and denied important independence-building experiences but hadn’t previously had a way to express these concerns cohesively. Free-Range Kids challenges parental fears and offers practical strategies for giving children more independence in a measured, thoughtful way.

2. The Overparenting Epidemic by George S. Glass, MD and David Tabatsky

This book examines why helicopter parenting is potentially harmful for both children and parents, arguing that overprotective parenting can have lasting negative effects. Dr. Glass, a psychiatrist with over thirty years of experience, combines clinical insights with practical advice for parents struggling to find the right balance. The Overparenting Epidemic helps parents understand the roots of their overprotective tendencies and provides strategies for stepping back appropriately.

3. How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims

Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford University dean, draws on her experience with college students to illustrate the problems caused by helicopter parenting. She argues that overparenting can lead to existential impotence in young adults who haven’t developed the resilience and independence needed to thrive. How to Raise an Adult offers a roadmap for raising self-sufficient, confident children who are prepared for the challenges of adulthood.

4. Parenting to a Degree by Laura T. Hamilton

This sociological study examines different parenting approaches during the college years, including intensive helicopter parenting. Hamilton identifies different types of parents, from professional helicopters who focus on developing career skills to pink helicopters who emphasize social connections, showing how these approaches shape young adults’ experiences and outcomes. Parenting to a Degree offers valuable insights into how different parenting approaches can shape young adults’ life trajectories and future opportunities. Through detailed analysis of real families, it reveals how parenting strategies influence not just a child’s development but also their ability to navigate complex social systems and build the necessary skills for adulthood.

5. 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid by Tim Elmore

Tim Elmore, founder of Growing Leaders, identifies common parenting mistakes that can hinder children’s development. Rather than simply criticizing helicopter parenting, Elmore offers the alternative lighthouse parent model that provides guidance while allowing children to navigate challenges independently. 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid is a practical guide that helps parents shift from hovering to a more balanced approach that prepares children for real-world success.

Final Thoughts

Helicopter parenting emerges from a place of deep love and concern for our children’s wellbeing. Most parents who hover do so with the best intentions. After all, we all want to protect their children from pain and disappointment and set them up for success and achievements. However, as research clearly shows, too much protection can actually prevent our children from developing the very skills they need to thrive, especially in an ever-changing world like the one we live in today.

Finding the balance between appropriate support and supporting independence is perhaps one of the greatest challenges that we – parents – face. It requires constant adjustment as children grow and develop new capabilities, and it often means sitting with our own discomfort as we watch our children struggle through difficulties.

Remember that making changes to your parenting approach doesn’t happen overnight. Start with small steps towards encouraging more independence, and recognize that both you and your child will likely experience some anxiety during this transition. The goal isn’t perfect parenting but rather creating an environment where children can gradually develop the confidence, resilience, and skills they’ll need for a fulfilling adult life.

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself in this process. Parenting styles aren’t fixed traits but rather approaches that we can adapt and refine as we learn what works best for our unique children. By being mindful of helicopter tendencies while maintaining a loving connection, you can help your children grow into capable, confident adults who know you’ll always be there for them – not hovering overhead, but providing a steady lighthouse of support as they navigate through their own journey.

What are your thoughts on helicopter parenting? Have you noticed these tendencies in yourself or others? Share your experiences and what strategies have worked for your family in the comments below. I am sure other parents here would be relieved to know they are not alone and would benefit immensely from your advice.