Permissive Parenting: Understanding the Impact on Your Child’s Future

As a parent, you’ve likely wondered if your approach to raising your children is helping them develop into well-adjusted, happy adults or is rather obstructing them. Perhaps you’ve found yourself being more lenient than you intended, or maybe you’ve heard the term permissive parenting and wondered if it applies to you. In today’s fast-paced world where parents are juggling multiple responsibilities, it’s easy to fall into patterns that prioritize peace in the moment over long-term development.

As a mom of two wonderful boys, I’ve learned through both personal experience and extensive research that our parenting style significantly impacts our children’s development. In this article, I’ll explore in depth the permissive parenting style, examining what it is, how it differs from other styles, and what research tells us about its effects on children.

As a mix of authoritative and permissive styles myself, I understand the natural pull towards permissiveness. But getting the full picture is crucial for making informed parenting decisions that will have the best possible outcomes for your children, both in the short term and the long run.

What Is Permissive Parenting?

Permissive parenting is one of the four main parenting styles identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s, alongside authoritative, authoritarian, and uninvolved parenting. This approach is characterized by high warmth and responsiveness but low demands and expectations.

In today’s parenting landscape, permissive parenting has gained significant attention as parents try to move away from the strict, authoritarian approaches that may have characterized previous generations. According to a study by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), as much as 35% of parents fall into this category. Additionally, elements of permissiveness can appear in many parents’ approaches, especially during stressful times.

As we face the challenges of modern parenting, understanding the different styles and their impacts becomes increasingly important.

Let’s look more closely at what defines permissive parenting and how it differs from other approaches:

Permissive Parenting Definition

The textbook definition of permissive parenting describes it as a style where parents are highly responsive and nurturing but set few rules, boundaries, or expectations for their children. In her article The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use published in the Journal of Early Adolescence in 1991, Diana Baumrind defines permissive parents, also referred to as indulgent parents or nondirect parents as:

“More responsive than demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation.”

Studies show that permissive parenting is more prevalent among parents who value freedom of expression and self-determination over structure and discipline. A 2023 Pew Research Center survey found that mental health concerns top the list of parental worries, with 40% of parents extremely or very worried about their children’s mental health, especially when it comes to anxiety or depression. This may be contributing to more permissive approaches as parents try to avoid adding stress to their children’s lives.

It’s important to highlight that permissive parents genuinely love their children and want the best for them. They often believe that by limiting rules and allowing freedom, they’re fostering independence and creativity. However, as we’ll explore further, this approach can have mixed results for children’s development.

Characteristics of Permissive Parents

Permissive parents share some distinct characteristics that set them apart from those employing other parenting styles. Understanding these traits can help you identify permissive tendencies in your own parenting approach to take corrective actions if you consider it necessary.

Here are the most typical features and behaviors of permissive parents:

• Few rules or expectations: Permissive parents establish minimal rules for their children and don’t consistently enforce the ones they do set.
• High warmth and nurturing: These parents are typically very affectionate, loving, and emotionally supportive.
• Avoidance of confrontation: When conflicts arise, permissive parents often back down to maintain peace and avoid upsetting their child.
• Friend-like relationship: They may position themselves more as a friend than an authority figure to their child.
• Limited discipline: Consequences for misbehavior are rare or inconsistently applied.
• High responsiveness to children’s desires: These parents are quick to accommodate their children’s wishes and requests.
• Minimal structure: Daily routines and schedules are flexible and often determined by the child’s preferences.
• Little monitoring of activities: Children may receive minimal supervision regarding screen time, homework, or social activities.
• Use of bribes or rewards to control behavior: Rather than setting expectations, permissive parents might offer rewards to encourage cooperation.
• Reluctance to say “No”: Even when they should establish limits, these parents struggle to deny their children’s requests.

While these characteristics stem from a place of love and a desire to make children happy, they can inadvertently create challenges for children as they develop and interact with the world both inside their home and beyond.

Permissive Parenting vs Gentle Parenting

Many parents confuse permissive parenting with gentle parenting, but these approaches differ significantly in their core philosophies and practices.

Let’s take a look at the main similarities and differences:

Similarities:

• Both emphasize warmth and emotional responsiveness.
• Both avoid harsh punishment.
• Both value the child’s emotions and perspective.
• Both aim to create a nurturing environment.

Differences:

• Boundaries: Gentle parenting maintains firm, consistent boundaries, while permissive parenting has few or inconsistent boundaries.
• Expectations: Gentle parents have clear, age-appropriate expectations, while permissive parents have minimal expectations and do not even necessarily enforce them.
• Discipline approach: Gentle parenting uses natural consequences and teaching moments, whereas permissive parenting often avoids consequences altogether.
• Communication style: Gentle parents emphasize respectful two-way communication, and permissive parents may allow their children to dictate the terms.
• Long-term goals: Gentle parenting focuses on developing internal regulation and responsibility, but permissive parenting often prioritizes immediate happiness.
• Parental authority: Gentle parents maintain their authority role while being kind, and permissive parents may abdicate authority altogether, leaving the child to be in charge.

In brief, gentle parenting aligns more with an authoritative approach, which consistently shows better outcomes for children across multiple measures of well-being and development. Psychology Today highlights that gentle parenting is different from permissive parenting as it is rather authoritative by offering a balance in the parenting approach that is simultaneously firm and kind while allowing healthy, age-appropriate emotional expressions.

Permissive Parenting vs Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parenting is widely regarded by child development experts as the most effective approach for raising well-adjusted children. While it shares some – albeit few – commonalities with permissiveness, there are some major distinctions between the two.

Here is how authoritative parenting compares to the permissive parenting style:

Similarities:

• Both show high levels of warmth and responsiveness.
• Both value the child’s individual needs and feelings.
• Both foster open communication.
• Both avoid harsh punishment or authoritarian tactics.

Differences:

• Structure and consistency: Authoritative parents provide clear structure and consistency, and permissive parents offer minimal structure.
• Boundaries: Authoritative parents set and maintain firm boundaries, whereas permissive parents set few boundaries and/or fail to enforce them.
• Expectations: Authoritative parents have high but reasonable expectations, while permissive parents have few expectations and are not very adamant about them.
• Discipline: Authoritative parents use consistent, fair discipline, but permissive parents rarely discipline.
• Independence: Authoritative parents foster age-appropriate independence within boundaries, while permissive parents may allow excessive freedom without guidance, which can be borderline chaotic.
• Decision-making: Authoritative parents include children in decisions appropriately, whereas permissive parents may allow children to make decisions they’re not prepared for.

Research has been showing consistently better outcomes for children raised with authoritative parenting. A study from the University of South Carolina found that students with authoritative parents had significantly higher GPAs compared to those with permissive parents, demonstrating the academic benefits of a balanced structure and support when raising kids.

Permissive Parenting vs Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parenting sits at the opposite end of the spectrum from permissive parenting, creating a stark contrast in the two approaches.

Let’s have a side-by-side comparison of the two parenting philosophies:

Similarities:

• Both can result from strong emotional reactions to one’s own upbringing.
• Both can have unintended negative consequences on children’s development.
• Both may struggle with finding the right balance of control.

Differences:

• Control level: Authoritarian parents exercise high control, whereas permissive parents exercise little control.
• Warmth and responsiveness: Authoritarian parents often show limited warmth, while permissive parents typically show high warmth.
• Rules and structure: Authoritarian parents impose many strict rules, while permissive parents set few rules.
• Communication style: Authoritarian parents use one-way communication, but permissive parents allow child-led communication.
• Discipline methods: Authoritarian parents may use punitive discipline, whereas permissive parents rarely discipline.
• Expectations: Authoritarian parents have rigid, high expectations, and permissive parents have few expectations.

Research suggests that both styles can lead to challenges for children, though in different ways. The NIH emphasizes that the children of authoritarian parents tend to be well-disciplined but sometimes aggressive, shy, and socially inept. Meanwhile, kids raised under permissive conditions tend to adopt negative habits and struggle with self-regulation but possess above-average self-esteem and social skills.

Permissive Parenting vs Uninvolved Parenting

Uninvolved (or neglectful) parenting represents a fourth major parenting style that differs from permissive parenting in important ways.

Following are the similarities and differences between the approaches:

Similarities:

• Both have low demands and expectations.
• Both provide limited guidance on behavior and decision-making.
• Both result in children having to navigate many situations on their own.

Differences:

• Emotional involvement: Permissive parents are emotionally engaged with their children and responsive to their needs, while uninvolved parents are emotionally distant from their kids.
• Attentiveness: Permissive parents pay attention to their children’s needs, whereas uninvolved parents are often inattentive.
• Affection: Permissive parents show abundant affection, and uninvolved parents show little affection.
• Time investment: Permissive parents typically spend time with their children, while uninvolved parents invest minimal time in raising their kids.
• Basic needs: Permissive parents readily meet basic needs, whereas uninvolved parents may be inconsistent with basic needs.
• Motivation: Permissive parenting often stems from desire to please the child, and uninvolved parenting may stem from self-focus or inability to cope.

Based on multiple studies, the uninvolved parenting style typically leads to the poorest outcomes for children across all developmental domains. While permissive parenting has its challenges, the warmth and emotional responsiveness provide some protective factors for children’s psychological well-being that are absent in uninvolved parenting.

5 Permissive Parenting Examples

Understanding permissive parenting in action can help clarify how this style manifests in everyday situations and how it differs from other parenting styles.

Here are five realistic examples that you may – or may not – recognize from your daily life with your kids:

1. The Bedtime Negotiator

Scenario: Eight-year-old Emma has a designated bedtime of 8:30 P.M. on school nights. However, almost every night, she asks to stay up later to finish a show, play more, or just because she “isn’t tired.” Instead of maintaining the boundary, her mother frequently agrees, allowing Emma to stay up until 9:30 or even 10:00 P.M., despite knowing she’ll be tired the next day.

Why it’s permissive: The parent abandons the established boundary at the first sign of resistance, prioritizing the child’s immediate desires over their need for adequate sleep. The inconsistency teaches the child that rules are negotiable and that persistence in pushing boundaries will be rewarded.

2. The Homework Helper

Scenario: Twelve-year-old Jason finds his math homework challenging and complains about doing it. Rather than encouraging him to work through difficulties and develop problem-solving skills, his father consistently sits with him and essentially completes the more difficult problems. When Jason receives good grades, his father feels validated in his approach.

Why it’s permissive: The parent is rescuing the child from struggle rather than supporting them through it. This prevents the development of academic resilience and self-efficacy. While coming from a place of care, this approach teaches the child to avoid challenges rather than persevere through them.

3. The Restaurant Peacekeeper

Scenario: The Rodriguez family is having dinner at a restaurant. Their five-year-old daughter Sofia becomes restless, begins running around the table, and is disruptive to other diners. Instead of setting clear expectations about appropriate restaurant behavior, her parents give her a tablet with games to keep her occupied. When the tablet battery dies, they quickly order dessert to prevent a tantrum, despite Sofia not eating her main meal.

Why it’s permissive: The parents are avoiding teaching appropriate public behavior and are using distraction rather than guidance. They’re reinforcing that disruptive behavior leads to rewards (for instance, tablet access and dessert) rather than helping their child learn how to manage themselves in public settings.

4. The Chore Avoider

Scenario: Ten-year-old Noah is responsible for feeding the family dog and taking out the trash. When he constantly “forgets” these chores, his parents typically do them themselves rather than holding him accountable. They rationalize that he’s busy with school and activities, and they want to avoid conflict at the end of long days.

Why it’s permissive: The parents are not helping their child develop responsibility or follow-through. By consistently stepping in, they’re teaching him that commitments are optional and that someone else will pick up the slack. This approach fails to prepare the child for environments where accountability will be expected.

5. The Grocery Store Yielder

Scenario: Seven-year-old Mia adds multiple items to the shopping cart while at the grocery store with her mother. When her mother tries to return some items, Mia throws a tantrum. To avoid the embarrassment and stress of a public meltdown, her mother relents and purchases the extra candy, toys, and snacks, despite having previously told Mia that they were shopping only for items on their list.

Why it’s permissive: The parent is teaching the child that emotional outbursts are an effective way to get what they want. By prioritizing immediate peace over consistent boundaries, the parent reinforces problematic behavior and fails to help the child develop emotional regulation and acceptance of limits.

These examples illustrate how permissive parenting, while often coming from a place of love and desire to keep children happy, can undermine important developmental learning and create challenging patterns. The short-term ease often comes at the cost of long-term skill development.

Effects of the Permissive Parenting Style on Children

Research has revealed numerous ways in which permissive parenting can impact children’s development across different domains. While the impact tends to be generally negative, there are some minor positive consequences, which makes this parenting style rather nuanced.

Understanding specific positive and negative effects can help parents make more informed choices about their approach to raising their kids.

Negative Effects of Permissive Parenting

First, let’s start with the negative impact of this parenting style on children’s development:

1. Impaired Self-Regulation

Children raised with permissive parenting often struggle to develop strong self-regulation skills. A 2024 study in China, cited in Parenting Science, found that children with permissive parents are more likely to have difficulty following new rules and show poorer executive functioning, including working memory and cognitive flexibility. This negative consequence happens because these children have limited experience with boundaries and delayed gratification, essential components for developing self-control.

According to research by Michigan State University (MSU) Extension, children raised in permissive homes tend to face difficulties with conflict resolution and forming friendships that can lead to various social issues. The lack of guidance in managing emotions and impulses leaves these children ill-equipped to navigate challenging situations independently.

2. Lower Academic Achievement

Multiple studies have linked permissive parenting to poorer academic outcomes. Research published by the University of South Carolina found that college students with permissive parents had significantly lower GPAs compared to those with authoritative parents. Another study from Pakistan, cited in Parenting Science, shows that while permissive parenting doesn’t have as negative an impact as authoritarian parenting, children from permissive homes still perform worse academically than those from authoritative homes.

The connection between permissive parenting and academic challenges stems from several factors, including:

• Less emphasis on persistence through difficult tasks
• Fewer consistent expectations around homework and study habits
• Limited development of time-management skills
• Reduced accountability for academic responsibilities

3. Increased Risk-Taking Behavior

Adolescents raised with permissive parenting show higher rates of risky behaviors. According to research from Michigan State University, research has established links between permissive parenting, on the one hand, and increased alcohol use among teenagers in addition to elevated rates of school misconduct, on the other hand. Without clear boundaries and consistent guidance, these teens may lack the internal controls needed to resist peer pressure or make sound judgments.

A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions finds connections between parental permissiveness towards gambling and other risky behaviors in adolescents, suggesting that a permissive approach in one area may generalize to risk-taking across multiple domains.

4. Entitlement and Difficulty with Authority

Children from permissive homes often develop a sense of entitlement and struggle with authority figures outside the family. Research published in PubMed suggests that permissive parenting might be associated with greater academic entitlement, which then leads to more perceived stress and poorer mental health among college students.

When children are accustomed to having few limits at home, they may resist rules in school, work, and other structured environments, creating ongoing challenges as they mature.

5. Poor Decision-Making Skills

When parents make most decisions or rescue children from the consequences of poor choices, children miss crucial opportunities to develop decision-making skills. According to a 2024 study published in Frontiers in Psychology, permissive parenting is associated with weaker self-regulated learning, which includes the ability to make good academic and personal decisions.

Children need guided practice in weighing options, considering consequences, and learning from mistakes – experiences that are often limited in permissive homes.

Positive Effects of Permissive Parenting

Now, let’s have a look at the few – yet important – positive impacts that permissive parents have on their kids throughout childhood and into adulthood:

1. Close Parent-Child Relationship

Despite the challenges, permissive parenting can foster close, communicative relationships between parents and children. The high responsiveness and warmth characteristic of this style help children feel loved and supported, which contributes to strong self-esteem and emotional security.

Some research, particularly from Spanish and Latin American contexts, has found that permissive parenting can lead to positive outcomes related to self-appreciation and perceived social competence.

2. Creativity and Independent Thinking

The freedom associated with permissive parenting may foster creativity and independent thinking in some children. With fewer rigid expectations, these children might feel more comfortable exploring new ideas and expressing themselves authentically.

However, research suggests that these benefits are most likely to emerge when some structure exists within the permissive approach rather than in cases of extreme permissiveness.

Why We Become Permissive Parents

Understanding the factors that lead parents to adopt a permissive style can help in recognizing and addressing these tendencies.

Several common influences that contribute to the development and adoption of permissive parenting include:

1. Reaction to Strict Upbringing

Many permissive parents were raised in authoritarian homes and make a conscious decision to parent differently. Memories of feeling controlled, unheard, or restricted lead these parents to prioritize their children’s freedom and happiness above all else. While this reaction is understandable, it often swings too far in the opposite direction, missing the balanced approach of authoritative parenting or gentle parenting.

2. Fear of Damaging the Relationship

Some parents worry that setting limits will harm their relationship with their child. They equate their child’s short-term happiness with love and fear that enforcing rules will make their child love them less. This fear leads to avoiding necessary confrontations and boundaries that would actually benefit the child in the long run.

3. Parental Guilt

Working parents, divorced parents, or those facing other life challenges often experience guilt about their circumstances and compensate by being more permissive. They may feel they’re making up for perceived deficits in their parenting by saying “Yes” more often than they should.

3. Exhaustion and Burnout

Parenting is demanding, and maintaining boundaries requires consistent energy and effort. When parents are exhausted from work, managing multiple children, or dealing with their own challenges, the path of least resistance often becomes permissiveness. It’s simply easier in the moment to give in than to stand firm through a child’s protests.

4. Desire to Be Liked

Some parents deeply want to be their child’s friend rather than their authority figure. The approval and affection that come with permissiveness can be rewarding, making it difficult to take stands that might temporarily upset the child.

5. Lack of Confidence in Parenting Skills

Parents who are unsure about appropriate expectations or how to enforce boundaries may default to permissiveness. Without clear guidance or models for effective discipline, they may avoid discipline altogether rather than risk doing it “wrong.”

6. Cultural and Social Influences

Modern parenting culture sometimes emphasizes child autonomy and happiness above all else. Social media can amplify the pressure to provide children with freedom, material goods, and constant positive experiences, directing parents towards more permissive approaches.

7. Misunderstanding of Child Development

Sometimes permissive parenting might step from misconceptions about child development. Parents may overestimate their child’s ability to make good decisions independently or underestimate the importance of structure for healthy development.

Recognizing these factors doesn’t mean parents should blame themselves. Instead, they should understand the roots of permissive tendencies as a first step towards developing a more balanced approach.

Permissive Parenting Pros and Cons

While research generally indicates that permissive parenting isn’t optimal for child development, this approach does have both advantages and disadvantages worth considering.

Let’s take a look at both:

Pros

The most important benefits that permissive parents bring to their children are:

• Strong emotional bond: The high warmth and responsiveness of permissive parenting often creates strong emotional connections between the parent and the child.
• Open communication: Children of permissive parents typically feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings, leading to honest communication.
• High self-esteem: Some research suggests children from permissive homes develop good self-esteem, particularly regarding their social abilities.
• Creativity and self-expression: The freedom permissive parents provide may encourage creative thinking and authentic self-expression.
• Lower anxiety about mistakes: With fewer strict expectations, children may feel less anxious about perfection and more willing to try new things.
• Protection against risky behaviors: Interestingly, research from Spain and Latin America has found that in some cultural contexts, permissive parenting can have protective effects against substance use similar to authoritative parenting.

Cons

Having said that, the most considerable drawbacks of the permissive parenting style are:

• Poor self-discipline: Children raised with permissive parenting often struggle to develop self-control and discipline, which affects many areas of their life.
• Difficulty with authority: These children frequently have trouble respecting authority figures inside and outside the home, including teachers and employers.
• Academic challenges: Multiple studies link permissive parenting to lower academic achievement and motivation.
• Entitlement issues: Without appropriate limits, children may develop unrealistic expectations about how the world should accommodate their desires.
• Poor decision-making skills: Limited experience with boundaries and consequences can hamper the development of good judgment and decision-making abilities.
• Social challenges: Children from permissive homes may struggle to understand social rules and expectations, potentially affecting peer relationships.
• Increased risk behaviors: Research links permissive parenting to higher rates of substance use, risky sexual behavior, and other potentially harmful activities, particularly in Western cultural contexts.
• Less persistence through challenges: Without experience pushing through difficulty with parental guidance, these children often give up when tasks become challenging.
• Poorer emotional regulation: Limited experience with boundaries and guidance in managing emotions can lead to difficulty handling frustration and disappointment.
• Health concerns: Studies have found connections between permissive parenting and unhealthy eating habits, including increased risk of obesity and excessive screen time.

Most evidence suggests that while permissive parenting has some benefits, the cons generally outweigh the pros, particularly in terms of preparing children for the structured environments and expectations they’ll encounter throughout life.

How to Change Our Permissive Parenting Behavior for the Benefit of Our Children: 8 Tips for Parents

If you’ve recognized permissive tendencies in your parenting and want to move towards a more balanced approach, these practical strategies can help:

1. Start with Self-Reflection

Before making changes, understand your own parenting patterns.

What makes you reluctant to set boundaries?

Are you reacting to your own upbringing?

Are you afraid of your child’s emotional responses?

Recognizing the triggers of your behavior helps you address the root causes of permissiveness.

Practical tip: Try keeping a parenting journal for a week, noting situations where you struggle to maintain boundaries and the thoughts and feelings that arise in these situations. This awareness is the first step towards intentional change.

2. Establish Clear, Age-Appropriate Rules

Develop a reasonable set of family rules that are focused on setting up a sense of safety, respect, and responsibility. For younger children, limit rules to 3-5 key expectations. For older children, involve them in the process of establishing family guidelines that can be more complicated and more numerous.

Practical tip: Post these rules visibly in your home and refer to them as needed. When children understand expectations ahead of time, they’re more likely to comply and less likely to view boundaries as arbitrary.

3. Be Consistent with Consequences

Once you’ve established rules, consistency is crucial. Decide in advance what the logical consequences will be for breaking different rules, and follow through every time. Remember that consequences should be:

• Related to the behavior
• Reasonable in scope
• Respectful in delivery
• Revealed in advance when possible

Practical tip: For example, if screen time rules are broken, the logical consequence is losing screen privileges for a defined period – not unrelated punishments like canceling a playdate or prohibiting ice cream.

4. Use Positive Reinforcement

While consistency with consequences is important, simultaneously put equal effort into emphasizing when your child is doing things right. Notice and praise specific positive behaviors: “I saw how you shared your toys with your friend today. That was very kind and generous.”

Practical tip: Positive reinforcement tends to be more effective than punishment for building lasting behavior change and preserves your connection with your child while you’re becoming more consistent with boundaries.

5. Develop a Support System

Changing established patterns is challenging. Connect with other parents from your neighborhood, school district, or even an online community (your virtual village) who model the balanced approach you’re striving for. Consider joining a parenting group, working with a family therapist, or finding a digital community of parents focused on authoritative parenting.

Practical tip: Having a supportive network increases your confidence and provides strategies and alternatives when you face difficult situations. It also helps you maintain perspective during the inevitable setbacks.

6. Prepare for Pushback

When you shift from permissive to more authoritative parenting, expect resistance. Your child has become accustomed to certain freedoms and will likely test your new boundaries. Understand that this is normal and doesn’t mean your new approach isn’t working – in fact, it often means the opposite as your child needs some time to accommodate to the new realities that you are building.

Practical tip: Prepare mentally for this testing phase and remain calm and consistent throughout the entire time. The pushback will diminish as your child adapts to the new expectations.

7. Focus on Emotional Coaching

Authoritative parenting isn’t just about rules; it’s also about emotional support. When your child is upset about limits, acknowledge their feelings while maintaining the boundary: “I understand you’re disappointed about not getting more screen time. It’s OK to feel frustrated, and I’m here for you.”

Practical tip: Take advantage of the power of this new approach to teach your children that all emotions are acceptable while maintaining that not all behaviors are acceptable, a crucial distinction for emotional development.

8. Practice Self-Care

Maintaining boundaries requires energy and emotional reserves. Prioritize your own well-being through adequate rest, support systems, and time for activities that restock your energy. When you’re depleted, you’re more likely to revert to permissive patterns for short-term peace and fail the shift to a more balanced parenting philosophy.

Practical tip: Remember that modeling self-care also teaches your children an important life skill – namely, the ability to recognize and meet their own needs in healthy ways as well as the need to allow others the time and space to take care of themselves.

9. Align With Your Partner

Consistency between parents is one of the most powerful factors in successful parenting transitions. When children receive mixed messages from the two parents, they naturally gravitate towards the more permissive approach, undermining efforts to establish more healthy boundaries.

Start by having private conversations with your partner about your parenting goals, away from your children.

Focus on:

• Sharing your concerns about permissive patterns you’ve both noticed
• Discussing the research on how balanced parenting benefits children
• Agreeing on 2-3 key areas where consistent boundaries are most important
• Planning how you’ll support each other when one parent is struggling to maintain limits
• Establishing signals to help each other recognize permissive patterns in the moment without undermining your partner’s authority in front of your child

Remember that alignment doesn’t mean identical parenting – each parent brings unique valuable strengths and perspectives to the child and to the family which should be acknowledged and appreciated. The goal, instead, is consistency in core expectations and values, not perfect uniformity in approach.

Practical tip: When disagreements arise, take them “backstage” rather than contradicting each other in front of the children. Regular check-ins about what’s working and what needs adjustment help maintain a united front while allowing your approach to evolve.

Finally, don’t forget that transitioning from permissive to authoritative parenting takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself(and your partner) during this process, celebrating progress rather than expecting perfection. The improvements in your child’s behavior, skills, and your relationship will reinforce that your efforts are worthwhile.

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. I may earn a commission if you click and make a purchase, at no extra cost to you.

5 Best Books on Permissive Parenting

For parents looking to deepen their understanding of different styles and develop more effective approaches, these parenting books offer valuable insights and practical strategies:

1. The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

This groundbreaking book explains the neuroscience behind children’s developing minds and provides practical strategies for nurturing their growth. The authors offer 12 key strategies that help parents move from permissive or reactive parenting to a more integrated approach that addresses both the logical and emotional aspects of a child’s brain.

What makes this book special: Siegel and Bryson’s unique contribution is their ability to translate complex neuroscience into practical parenting tools. They help parents understand why their children react in the way in which they do and how to guide them towards better integration of their emotional and rational thinking. This scientific foundation of The Whole-Brain Child gives parents confidence in setting appropriate boundaries while remaining compassionate.

2. Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie

MacKenzie addresses one of the biggest challenges for permissive parents – effectively setting and maintaining boundaries with children who push back. The book distinguishes between permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative approaches, helping parents understand how their communication style affects their child’s behavior.

What makes this book special: Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child specifically targets the transition from permissive to authoritative parenting with concrete examples and scripts. MacKenzie’s clear explanations of the “dance” between permissive parents and testing children helps parents recognize and break ineffective patterns. His practical, step-by-step approach makes boundary-setting accessible even for parents who have struggled with maintaining consistency.

3. Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

Nelsen offers a non-punitive approach that moves beyond both permissiveness and punishment to foster cooperation, responsibility, and self-discipline in children. The book provides parents with the necessary tools for effective communication, problem-solving, and establishing logical consequences that help children learn from their mistakes.

What makes this book special: Positive Discipline stands out for its focus on mutual respect and encouragement rather than rewards and punishment. Nelsen’s approach helps permissive parents understand that kindness and firmness can co-exist, addressing their common fear that setting boundaries means being harsh. The book includes family meeting strategies and specific techniques for different age groups.

4. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

This classic parenting book provides practical communication tools that help parents move from ineffective patterns (including permissiveness) to skillful dialogue with their children. The authors offer specific language and approaches for acknowledging feelings, eliciting cooperation, and resolving conflicts.

What makes this book special: Faber and Mazlish’s unique cartoon illustrations make their communication techniques immediately accessible and memorable. Their focus on practical dialogues helps permissive parents learn exactly what to say in challenging moments, building confidence in their ability to guide without capitulating. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk addresses parents’ fears about damaging their relationship with their child, showing how proper communication actually strengthens this connection.

5. No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Building on their work in The Whole-Brain Child, in No-Drama Discipline Siegel and Bryson focus specifically on discipline that builds the brain rather than simply controlling behavior. They offer a framework for turning disciplinary moments into opportunities for connection and teaching rather than punishment or permissiveness.

What makes this book special: This book directly addresses the false dichotomy many permissive parents perceive between being kind and setting boundaries. The authors’ “connect and redirect” approach provides a middle path that honors the parent-child relationship while still providing necessary guidance. Their focus on discipline as teaching rather than punishment helps permissive parents embrace their role as guides rather than fear becoming controlling.

These books offer complementary perspectives that can help parents understand the impact of permissive parenting and develop more effective alternatives. Reading one or more of these resources can provide both the understanding and practical tools needed to move towards a more balanced, authoritative approach.

Final Thoughts

As we’ve explored throughout this article, permissive parenting – while coming from a place of love and good intentions – often falls short of providing children with the structure, guidance, and boundaries they need to thrive. The endless research on this topic shows that children benefit the most from a balanced approach that combines warmth and responsiveness with appropriate expectations and limits.

I understand firsthand the pull towards permissiveness. As a mother of two boys, I’ve experienced those moments of giving in to avoid conflict or compensate for a difficult day, especially in a world that sometimes feels too harsh. What I’ve learned through both research and experience is that our children actually feel more secure and develop better life skills when we lovingly maintain appropriate boundaries.

The good news is that parenting styles aren’t fixed. With awareness and intention, we can adjust our approach to better serve our children’s development. The strategies and resources shared in this article provide a roadmap for that journey – not towards perfect parenting that this is just an illusion, but towards a more effective balance that nurtures both happiness and capability.

What have your experiences been with your children? Would you define your parenting as permissive? Have you succeeded in building and maintaining a more authoritative relationship with your kids or are you still struggling? I am sure all of us – other parents – would like to hear your thoughts and tips. Please share them in the comments below.